by Julie Williams
My experience working with families and seniors, often in crisis, has created an acute awareness of the need to have these critical conversations. In fact I started this conversation with my parents soon after I met my very first potential client.
I will never forget the family, a family overwhelmed by their mother’s Alzheimer’s, and their dad’s inability to communicate his needs, and let go of his parental role. They were stuck in a child/parent dynamic. The conversation started with some ideas on how to provide much needed respite care for dad, but quickly turned to a screaming match as old family patterns seeped back from a tucked away place. Sadly, nothing got solved, and I made my exit as to give the family their privacy.
What really struck me was each of them had a wonderful heart and wanted to help one another, but they had individual ideas of what “help” looked like. Dad didn’t want anyone from the outside helping. Both of his daughters were grown, married, had jobs, children and lived in Portland. They didn’t have time to help on a regular basis, which is what their father needed. I often wonder, had the conversation been started before their mother’s Alzheimer’s, would their story have ended up different?
So needless to say, when I learned that the corporate headquarters of Home Instead Senior Care had started a new campaign, titled, “The 40-70 Rule,” I was thrilled! The goal is to help educate the public on practical ways for adult children to talk to their parents now about topics such as driving, finances, independence and even romance.
The information was gathered from a first-of-its-kind study which surveyed baby boomers 45 to 65 years of age in the U.S. and Canada. The survey showed that nearly one-third of adults in the U.S. have a major communication obstacle with their parents that stems from continuation of the child-parent, rather than a peer-to-peer, role.
Because of this obstacle, adult children often wait until an emergency or crisis happens before talking to parents. I urge families to open up the dialogue early.
More than half of the adult children surveyed who still see themselves in the child-parent role have the most difficulty talking to their parents about whether it’s time for the parent to leave home. Their parents’ desire to remain independent makes it challenging to address such sensitive issues as health (28 percent) and money (21 percent), too.
These results were also compelling; half of the respondents were interested in learning more about their parents’ cognitive condition. Are memory lapses indications of early-stage Alzheimer’s or simply senior moments? Forty-seven percent of adult children are “not very” or “not at all” comfortable speaking to their moms or dads about their romantic lives.
What is so exciting is at the center of the 40-70 Rule campaign is a guide to conversation starters for sensitive senior-care subjects, compiled with the help of Jake Harwood,
Ph.D., national author and communication professor from the University of Arizona and former director of the university’s Graduate Program in Gerontology. The free guide, available at the Home Instead Senior Care office here in Vancouver, features possible responses to some of the most awkward senior subjects.
For instance, when talking with parents about driving approach the topic with care and don’t automatically assume it’s time to take the keys. If there’s been an accident, ask what happened and then take the opportunity to drive with your parent. Even a short drive would help you gauge skills and deficits.
If your parents acknowledge a problem on this issue or others, ask what they think would be good solutions. Avoid patronizing speech or baby talk that may put older adults on the defensive and convey a lack of respect.
To help ease the tension, adult children should analyze their relationship with their parents and perhaps make some changes.
If an adult child always turns first to the parent in times of trouble or crisis, then they can expect the parent to continue acting out the parenting role. But if the child becomes truly independent and stops acting out these behaviors, then the parent may be more likely to relinquish the parent role.
My tip to families is, when possible; try to move toward solutions that provide the maximum amount of independence for the older person. Good communication is vital to helping families know when it’s time to seek additional resources, for example, the help of a professional caregiver.
The bottom line is to keep talking, because the parent-child conversation can be so important in helping seniors adapt to changing life circumstances.
For the 40-70 Rules guide, contact the Home Instead Senior Care in Vancouver at (360) 253-6028 or julie.williams@homeinstead.com. For additional research results, log on to www.4070talk.com .
